Unusual 1st date advice: They say never to ask your date this question
I disagree - the answer can tell you whether your date is potentially a keeper or whether to run away as fast as your legs will allow ...
Usually people tell you NOT to do this on a first date - but I disagree. I explain how bringing up this topic reveals whether your date's a keeper - or whether to cancel that second date.
The topic I suggest raising is … ask them about their ex.
And the reason I suggest raising this topic is because how they talk about their ex is how they will talk about you one day.
Cancel that second date if:
They are bitter about their ex
They blame their ex (and/or a third party) 100% for their breakup
They get completely lost in long, complicated, unpleasant stories of separation and/or child custody disputes.
Interested in co-dependence?
Only consider a second date with this person if you are interested in a co-dependent relationship (co-dependency = enabling each others dysfunctions). Co-dependent relationships can be relied on for a steady supply of energy-sucking drama. Ask me how I know.
As an example of what to avoid, years ago I had a date with a man who said something really nasty about his ex-wife. I can't remember exactly what it was, but it shocked me at the time. He had quite the chip on his shoulder. The chip was also at odds with his friendly, easy going, dating profile (this is long before the time of Tinder).
You can't write that!
When I pointed out this discrepancy to my date, he laughed. He said his sister had looked over his shoulder while he was writing his dating profile, exclaimed; 'You can't write that!" And she re-wrote it for him.
No second date!
Still hooked on the ex?
Also, while we are here, unless you are interested in the emotionally unavailable, avoid a second date with someone who still has strong feelings for their ex.
This may seem obvious stuff, but...
I mention this seemingly obvious red flag as some of us ARE looking for the emotionally unavailable. Even if we aren't looking for the emotionally unavailable, if we are lonely and/or our date has other, appealing qualities, it will be tempting to overlook the fact they aren't ready for a new relationship. Ask me how I know.
Do consider a second date if:
They can see how they might have done some things differently in their former relationship - and will do differently in the future
Basically you want to see some self-awareness and evidence of learning - some evidence that they aren't just looking to be repeating the same problems with you - and then blame you!
Even if their ex was certifiably the most awful person in the world - why were they attracted to them in the first place and why did they stay as long as they did?
I don't mean to sound judgmental but ...
I don't mean this to sound judgmental (I can't afford to, I've spent far too long in crappy relationships.) But if we want to break unhealthy relationship habits, we need to bring some self-awareness to our relationships and ourselves. And blaming others for everything is often a red flag for unhealed trauma and insecurity.
Many people say don't talk about ex's on a first date. But I say if someone isn't relationship material, then why wait to find out?!
Hmmm this wee post isn't as fun as the one I had in my head. Sorry about that. But it's important. We need to know what the red and green dating flags are - and we need to become more conscious of our subconscious dating habits.
Like to read more?
What the sex therapist told me en route to the burlesque show [OR what the Lifeline sex callers taught me about relationships]
I wanted a trophy boyfriend [And I got one - when I finally stopped needing one to validate me!]
The biggest myth of self-control (+ marshmallows!) Hint: you have PLENTY of self control - you just need to learn how to access it!
Enough about me - how about you?
What works for you? What have you struggled with? I’d love to hear about your experiences - hit the ‘Leave a comment’ button to do just that …
