The biggest myth of self-control (+ marshmallows!)
Hint: you have PLENTY of self control - you just need to learn how to access it!
I love New Year’s. I love asking people if they’ve made New Year’s resolutions. And that’s because I’m obsessed with habits - and most resolutions are do with breaking unhealthy habits and making healthy ones: quit smoking, eat more healthily, get fit, etc.
Not enough self-control
But I found something funny. Most people say they’ve stopped making New Year’s resolutions.
Note that they don’t say they never make New Year’s resolutions – they say they’ve STOPPED making them. They’ve given up on New Year’s resolutions and they’ve given up on habit change.
And they always give a sad reason for this. They say they can’t make habit-change stick because they don’t have enough self-control.
A myth!
Not only is this reason very sad – it’s incorrect.
And it’s a widespread myth. Many of us think self-control is some kind of fixed, genetic characteristic that we either have or don’t have - and we don’t have it!
However, the truth is that we all have access to bountiful self-control. We just need to know how to access it.
In fact, there are many simple tactics that anyone can use to boost their self-control. This can be seen from the famous Stanford University ‘marshmallow tests’.
What marshmallows reveal about self-control
In his book The Marshmallow Test, researcher Walter Mischel describes the basic test where children are offered a choice of marshmallow rewards. Children could choose between eating a single marshmallow now (a smaller, immediate reward aka immediate gratification) or wait for two marshmallows later (a larger, delayed reward aka delayed gratification).
Children who chose the single marshmallow in front of them were deemed to have low self-control. Conversely, children who ignored the single marshmallow and waited for the larger delayed reward of two marshmallows were deemed to have high self-control.
But (fortunately) the self-control story isn't that simple
But the benefits of the ability to ignore single marshmallows aren’t that clear cut. The original research – which showed that, compared with children who couldn’t wait for the two marshmallows, those who could wait had better long-term health, academic and career outcomes - has been recently challenged.
However, the findings showing HOW to resist immediate gratification and HOW to boost self-control are still valid – and EXTREMELY useful for habit change.
High and low self-control children behave differently
The reality of the marshmallow experiments was more complex – and useful - than just labelling children as low and high self-control.
Indeed, Researchers noted that the two groups of children behaved quite differently. The low self-control children were ‘marshmallow-starers;’ meaning they tended to stare at the single marshmallow until they succumbed.
'High-self-control' behavior
In contrast the ‘high self-control’ children did almost everything except stare at the single marshmallow.
They used many creative tactics to ignore the tempting marshmallow. Some kids composed songs. Some pulled funny faces. Some played with their hands and feet. Some imagined the treats were something non-edible—such as fluffy clouds. Some picked their nose and ear cavities—and played with the findings. Some closed their eyes. Some tried to sleep, and at least one little girl actually did.
Self-control tactics - genetic or taught?
So, here’s the million-dollar question; were these single-marshmallow-distraction-tactics genetic – or could they be taught?
Surprise! The researchers found that the latter was indeed the case. Not only can self-control be taught; it can be taught quickly and easily.
The researchers found that the children’s self-control could be rapidly increased (or decreased) with astonishingly simple instructions.
Many of these instructions involved asking the children to THINK differently about the single marshmallow in front of them. For example, asking the children to focus on the tastiness of the single marshmallow. Focusing on the potential deliciousness decreased their self-control—making them more likely to eat the lone marshmallow and miss out on the two marshmallows.
But it was a two way street. Conversely, instructing them to think of the lone marshmallow as something non-edible—such as a fluffy white cloud increased their self-control.
Think differently for more self-control
Other strategies helped too, such as making the single marshmallow less accessible. The children found it easier to hold out for the larger reward when the single ‘marshmallow’ in front of them was a picture of a marshmallow, rather than the real thing.
Even more remarkably, it didn’t even need to be an actual picture to make the lone marshmallow easier to resist. Simply asking the children to IMAGINE that the real marshmallow was an inedible picture, still boosted their self-control.
How feeling sad affected self-control
But there was another, extremely important, self-control boosting strategy. And that was using emotions.
When the children were instructed to think about upsetting things (such as feeling sad and alone), their self-control dropped to the same low level as when they thought about the deliciousness of the marshmallow.
Again, the emotional impact on self-control worked both ways. When children were asked to think about fun things – unrelated to marshmallows – their self-control sky-rocketed.
This is a critical finding. It suggests that being happy about anything can boost our self-control. And this matters for habit change as anything that boosts self-control will likely make changing many habits much easier.
BUT: how feeling happy affected self-control
However, these aren’t the only important and useful findings.
Another important finding is that these simple instructions had almost IMMEDIATE effects on self-control.
Overall, the ‘marshmallow-tests’ provide compelling evidence that self-control is not some fixed, genetic thing that we either have or don’t have.
Au contraire, it shows there are many simple things we can all do to boost our self-control.
These simple self-control boosters include: thinking differently about the behavior we want to change; distracting ourselves; and thinking happy thoughts as well as actually doing things that make us happy.
(Critical caveat: Don't avoid 'difficult' emotions altogether)
(It’s REALLY important to mention this does NOT mean we should avoid, deny, or suppress our more challenging emotions – as we often do.
And THIS matters because emotional suppression (often a habit in itself) is a form of chronic stress - and that impairs our mental and physical health as well as self-control.
Consequently, feeling and healing painful emotions is important for our mental and physical health, as well as sustained habit change. Speaking of which, if you would like to learn the most effective and efficient method I know for releasing, processing and healing difficult emotions, memories and thoughts - AND has also been clinically proven to boost the immune system - then you can read the instructions here).
The truth about self-control
However, even just thinking differently about self-control can boost our self-control.
If you are frustrated with your habit struggles – please know that it’s not your fault.
The truth is many people struggle with habit change. It doesn’t mean that we are weak or lazy or there is something wrong with us. The truth is that we can use simple tactics to boost our self-control.
Knowing the truth about habit change and self-control can help us feel better. And, of course, feeling better boosts our self-control.
It's safe to make New Year’s resolutions again.
Want to read more?
How often should you do a behavior to create a habit? [The research]
A best-selling author (not me, yet) spills the beans on her never-fail writing schedule [Perfect for those struggling with writers-procrastination!
It's been tricky disposing of my victims' bodies! [But at least I figured out who the victims were ... ]
Sick of struggling with unwanted habits - or unwanted weight - or being driven crazy by procrastination?
If so, you may enjoy working with me - I’ve been helping free people from unwanted habits ever since I got myself from uni dropout to PhD (it helps majoring in psychology!) Check out some of my client testimonials below - or head to my work with me page for more info.
KRISS JUDD, WORDSLINGER-AT-LARGE, KENTUCKY, USA
“Hi Rebecca! Wanted to let you know about my victory after our procrastination-busting coaching session — late Thursday last week I was assigned ten articles to write, due a week later on the following Thursday (i.e. tomorrow). I finished the last one before noon Monday!!!”
MARCIA KAPUVAI, HANMER SPRINGS, NZ
“I’ve lost 20 kgs by exercising more and eating better. It really helps remembering what Rebecca says about weight-loss: that it’s not the most important thing in life.. yes I will get skinnier but does that mean that it would make me happier? No, it will make me healthier and fitter, which will make things easier physically, but weight-loss is not the main thing that would make me happier – if that makes sense. It also helps remembering that weight-loss is more bearable if you are happier, love yourself and remember your self worth”
ROBYN, AUDIENCE MEMBER, PECHA KUCHA EVENT, AUCKLAND
“Hi Rebecca, I really loved your talk and was totally inspired. My procrastination level had been over the top for quite a while. I was getting through each day just spending half my time thinking about what I should be doing next.
I used [the psychology technique] religiously for a week and was totally stunned by how much I achieved!! I was having problems filling up the day with tasks as I had never structured myself so well before.
I was achieving lots and ‘getting things done’ so well it felt like magic. Then I had a month where the wheels fell off … and I noticed by not using [the psychological technique] I was falling back into old habits again. So I am back on to it and can’t thank you enough for the wisdom you shared. It works really well for me and has changed my life. Keep up the great work.”
Want to read more testimonials? Click here
How about you?
What have you found that boosts self-control? What have you struggled with? I’d love to hear about your experiences - hit the ‘Leave a comment’ button to do just that …
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