Staying single means we have no one else to blame!
There are benefits to singledom, but having no one else to blame isn't one of them!
The problem with being single - said my bitterly-divorced friend - is there’s no one else to blame!
The blame in question was actually mine. My friend and I were in town to attend a concert. But I’d mixed up the ticket dates and got the wrong night. Fortunately my error was in the best direction. We hadn’t missed the concert, it was the following night.
No biggie. That night we went out for a meal and a drink, and came back the next night for a superb concert.
But when we discovered I’d mixed up the dates, my friend noted that if her future ex-husband had made the mix up - she would have been furious with him.
She followed with her observation that being single meant she had no one to blame.
To be fair, I’m also bitterly divorced. I don’t hate the abusive ex-husband I left 20-years ago (20 years!!!), but I’d sure cross the street to avoid talking to him.
But I think I’m finally coming free of some of those blame-y habits that still showed up in my current absolutely-not-abusive 5-year (6?) relationship.
I’m also confident my own blame-y habits pre-dated my shitty ex-marriage. Rather than blame my ex-marriage, or a personal failing, I believe these blame-y habits are actually cultural.
I was reminded of this unfortunate cultural tendency while listening to Liz Gilbert’s fabulous, thoughtful, and funny interview with Mike Birbiglia - which I have pasted below and will urge you, again and again, to listen to.
Liz of course, is most famous for her mega best-seller Eat, Pray, Love. Interestingly, she has currently been single - by choice - for 6 years.
This interests me as, when I wasn’t being a serial monogamist, I was unhappily single. Bridget Jones had nothing on me.
But Liz Gilbert is currently single by choice. AND because she is, in her own words, greedy.
She is greedy for solitude and freedom.
Which is all fair enough. But there was other issues. She also acknowledges that when she was in relationships she blamed her moods on her partner. When she was in a great mood, it was because of her partner. And when in a foul mood - again, partner.
But then she noticed that when she was single, without a partner, the moods still came and went. But there was no partner to assign blame or credit - or responsibility.
So implications of singledom, for Liz Gilbert, included learning to take responsibility for her own feelings.
Which is a good thing. But I DON’T think it’s a reason to STAY single (not that Liz said this).
And I also don’t think we HAVE to be single to learn this vital lesson of emotional responsibility. I believe we can also learn this lesson WITHIN relationships. And indeed, even learn it in ways that don’t involve human relationships at all.
I also believe we can find solitude and freedom within relationships.
But I believe that NOW. I didn’t use to believe it. The reason I was unhappily single when single, and blame-y in relationships when I was in relationships, was the same reason.
And that reason was - deep down - I believed I was defective.
Remembering that we are NOT defective, and are in fact, perfect EXACTLY (yes, EXACTLY!) as we are, is the big life lesson for most of us.
There are likely an infinite number of ways to learn this lesson - replacing the punishing habits of co-dependency with the freedom of emotional maturity.
And Lizzie Gilbert, like all of us, is on her own complex path. She will greedily enjoy the responsibility, solitude and freedom of her version of singledom for as long as she needs to.
And Lizzie will continue to be a beacon of truth-living for us all.
Like to read more? Click on these articles …
How Eat, Pray, Love author Liz Gilbert dealt with the haters - how our famous Lizzie surfs the waves of success and ‘failure’
Unusual 1st date advice: They say never to ask your date this question
What REALLY happened at the Tantra workshop [I REALLY did NOT want to go to the Tantra workshop. But I had to. Because of my Policy of Yes]
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